The Myth: Work Hard, Play Hard.

"All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy." When they first met, Sara, had enchanted Jake with her philosophy of work hard and play hard. When they started dating, both were full into studying to gain rank in their undergraduate courses. Work hard, play hard seemed the perfect formula for having the best of a full life. They would spend evenings at the library carrels and then party hardy at least once or twice a week.

Jake and Sara had hooked up by the time they were doing post graduate work. Jake had to avoid drinking. He had tried to ‘learn to drink’ but after many hangovers accepted that he did not have the alcohol dehydrogenase gene that breaks down alcohol. His red-haired flaming love Sara obviously did. Hangovers were not compatible with how hard he needed to work to succeed. The truth was, Jake had to put in more time on his own to solidify concepts, unlike Sara who just got things easily. He had to put in the hours, slogging through material like he was walking through a muddy bog. He often felt that learning stuff made him sweat blood. He considered himself not particularly gifted, but an average and determined student.

Academic success was important to him. His parents had always worked hard and wanted him to have a better life. He was the first in the family to go to postgraduate school. He was prepared to do 140% knowing if he did and got 50% of it right, he would have a 70%. When Sara asked him straight out why he would bother working that hard instead of just concentrating and working steadily or choosing a different path. He was not able to find a way to explain what he was feeling.

He was not able to put into words how his fear of not succeeding caused him panic. He desperately wanted the benefits of intelligence, that he imagined from what he had seen. He wanted to have the life that Sara represented. He called it respect for her, and rationalized respect was the most important part of having a soul mate. Her parents were professionals, workaholics and well-to-do. They always took them on trips and he wanted to proove himself to them as well.

Jake first noticed that keeping up with Sara’s playing hard felt like work. . If they planned to hike to a waterfalls and have a romantic picnic Sara would insist on trekking up the mountain nearby. Jake realized that climbing the mountain was a task to be done, for Sara. It was a self-imposed challenge and she had to check if off as an opportunity of doing that was more important than enjoying the scenery and each other.

Sara started getting into extreme sports and prepared to participate in one of many triathlons. Achieving her self-proclaimed athletic challenges was her definition of playing hard. Jake watched as Sara turned play time into work. Sara abandoned their time together.

Jake called her on her choices. “Do the math. If we sleep 8 hours to sleep, we have 16 hours a day left. That is 112 hours a week. Take away 10 hours of travel time, a 40-hour week at work, and another 20 training, we have about 42 hours a week, or 6 hours a day to manage our life. To shower, cook, clean, eat, shop and do laundry takes a minimum of 3 hours leaving 3 hours to visit friends and family and work on our relationship."

"Yep, work hard, play hard!" replied Sara.

Jake stopped in his tracks. " We really need to talk. You are burning the candle at both ends." The difficult conversations started. The two talked about all sorts of things.

Jake spoke his mind. “I believe in hard work but the myth of this persistent, unrelenting rigor to push hard is more like a self-centered compulsive behaviour or an avoidance of intimacy. Where are the carefree moments? This calculated, mechanically driven program does not include down time, just to be."

"Hey, this is how we started together. I thought this is what we share." said Sara.

Jake continued “Words hold a range of vague definitions that can meet everyone’s needs. Take this biblical saying. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Who is to decide how righteousness and pure of heart are defined. Your interpretation of the myth, you have to work hard and play hard is leading you to a burnout Sara.

“You make me sound like I have a distorted work-life balance Jake.

“Hey. Calm down. I know you are driven to do your best to work hard and play hard but maybe there is a third option, just to be."

"Do you really think I am a bipolar crazed zealot blinded by glorified ideals of living by just working and playing hard?”

"There are other ways to find what pleases the soul and brings a smile to the heart and encourages overall well-being than just work and play.”

Sara shrugged her shoulders saying, “ Maybe it is time for us to part ways. We both deserve to find someone with whom we can share a life where definition align with ideals.

Jake agreed. They parted on good terms and had regular contact.

A month later, Sara called Jake. “Hi. Guess what? I’m recovering from a broken pelvis. No more trying to put in 26 hours in a 24-hour day."

"What? Are you ok?" asked Jake.

“I am humbled by my mortality and stupidity. I’m miss you and realize that only working and playing hard has costs. Do you think we can find our way onto the same page? Jake, I’m ready to redefine my myth of work hard and play hard so it includes time to be together."

“Sara. I’ve missed you. I wanted us to keep a compatible pace, but I did not dream this is how we would find it."

"Jake –While I was apart from you, I saw how my activities escalated, as if I had to fill in the void you left. I finally can see how some of what you said makes sense. I definitely have enough motivation to learn about what goes on between work and play. I think we can find our way as a couple."

"Sweetheart, I want to live life to the fullest with you, be it through work, play and that certain je ne sais quoi that makes life worth living. I’m all for figuring it out."